I wake up just past midnight
And feel like something is missing
I've lost something precious
It's as if I spilt milk
And I can not place it back in the bottle
I'm choked up with tears
...and longing
Where has that happy, carefree me gone?
Why this indescribable sadness
...and hurt?
Living on the surface
suddenly plunging deeper
Touching regrets and longings
Struggling back to the surface
I may drown in these depths
Drown in wanting it to be different
other
than what is -
Better to accept and
appreciate and
focus on
being grateful
I
fl
oat
back
to the surface
survive
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
Belly dancers extraordinaire
Tuesday night belly dancing on Kauai - what an unexpected delight
The setting: Cafe Coco, on the east side ...open air funky with exotic orchids dangling from the sorta canvas sorta bamboo ceiling... plastic white tables and chairs. Mostly dark except for the two big spotlights for the dancers ...tea lights and citronella candles to ward off the mossies. Order at the counter - pumpkin soup and samoosas... and pizza and salad....
It's November and the weather is still barmy and warm. A red carpet is rolled out and a huge silver Bast - you know, the Egyptian cat - is placed close by. Tonight is Tuesday night and the Kauai Belly dancers are going to perform. We have a table in prime position. Last time we'd try to see the show, it had been rained out. Tonight was going to be special - Halloween follow up.
And then the music starts and think exotic ...Music and costumes -black beaded bra with beaded tassles. Black silk chaffony skirt in layers of nothing and a silver coin belt of many layers. Black gloves. Black headdress with almost like a shiny brooch in the center ...and the snake sensuous movements ...and new dancer in turquoise and more movements and floaty sunset scarf that entices and transports....beyond fantasy...Long hair. Veils lifted, so eyes can peer. Eyes dancing. Hair dancing. Bellies swaying. Sweat sheens show looking so natural takes work. Hips vip'ping as they say in Afrikaans but in glorious sensual movements first and then a deliberate vip...coins jangle...And dancer with sword on head and through all the moves ...even going way down and turning on her side and tummy and such like, the sword stays put ...
And then Kunti, named for the sacred ancient Hindu goddess - this gorgeous, long dark haired creature moved and swirled and shook her entire body and I couldn't believe anybody could be so exquisitely full of life and its delishiohshusness...Beautiful body. Curves. Bare tight midriff. Bra of sparkling 'water on oil' colors - pinks and purples and dark green but almost black at the same time - and of course now I don't even know if I've remembered the colors properly.. Hips revealed through spider like web of jewels. Triangular fabric like mermaid tails swishing as she moved like I still can't believe is possible...later she pulled me out of my seat ...and showed me how to sway my hips and shake from the knees ..
I still feel intoxicated by the sheer sensuality and beauty and eroticism or filled up with seeing someone spreading the yumminess of oh doesn't it feel good to have a body and to be able to do magical things with it...just wanted to share that slice of pure yumminess ...
The setting: Cafe Coco, on the east side ...open air funky with exotic orchids dangling from the sorta canvas sorta bamboo ceiling... plastic white tables and chairs. Mostly dark except for the two big spotlights for the dancers ...tea lights and citronella candles to ward off the mossies. Order at the counter - pumpkin soup and samoosas... and pizza and salad....
It's November and the weather is still barmy and warm. A red carpet is rolled out and a huge silver Bast - you know, the Egyptian cat - is placed close by. Tonight is Tuesday night and the Kauai Belly dancers are going to perform. We have a table in prime position. Last time we'd try to see the show, it had been rained out. Tonight was going to be special - Halloween follow up.
And then the music starts and think exotic ...Music and costumes -black beaded bra with beaded tassles. Black silk chaffony skirt in layers of nothing and a silver coin belt of many layers. Black gloves. Black headdress with almost like a shiny brooch in the center ...and the snake sensuous movements ...and new dancer in turquoise and more movements and floaty sunset scarf that entices and transports....beyond fantasy...Long hair. Veils lifted, so eyes can peer. Eyes dancing. Hair dancing. Bellies swaying. Sweat sheens show looking so natural takes work. Hips vip'ping as they say in Afrikaans but in glorious sensual movements first and then a deliberate vip...coins jangle...And dancer with sword on head and through all the moves ...even going way down and turning on her side and tummy and such like, the sword stays put ...
And then Kunti, named for the sacred ancient Hindu goddess - this gorgeous, long dark haired creature moved and swirled and shook her entire body and I couldn't believe anybody could be so exquisitely full of life and its delishiohshusness...Beautiful body. Curves. Bare tight midriff. Bra of sparkling 'water on oil' colors - pinks and purples and dark green but almost black at the same time - and of course now I don't even know if I've remembered the colors properly.. Hips revealed through spider like web of jewels. Triangular fabric like mermaid tails swishing as she moved like I still can't believe is possible...later she pulled me out of my seat ...and showed me how to sway my hips and shake from the knees ..
I still feel intoxicated by the sheer sensuality and beauty and eroticism or filled up with seeing someone spreading the yumminess of oh doesn't it feel good to have a body and to be able to do magical things with it...just wanted to share that slice of pure yumminess ...
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
From earthquakes to cleanses and life as usual
Since my last entry Hawaii had an earthquake! We felt the shocks here just after 7 in the morning. We were drinking tea, reading in bed. The bedroom shook. KKCR interrupted their classical selection to confirm that a 6.6 earthquake had shaken the Big Island, but that there was no threat of a tsunami. Kauai didn't have much damage. That was not true for the other islands.
Power outages were the biggest challenge as Honolulu airport choked up. Bruce had gone across to Oahu to run a 30 km race and ended up having to stay the night in a room next to the elevator. When we spoke on cell phones, he said "It's crazy - no traffic lights, no restaurants open,not even water is available!"
The Big Island was hit the worst. Mudslides and building damages and a few people hurt - no fatalities thankfully.
And internally I experienced my own turmoil. I began the master cleanse on Friday. Maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Was it the toxins that created the headache and body aches, or was it my own crankiness when I denied myself my usual coffee, tea, cheese, wine and food!? I lasted two days - well nearly two days. On day two I had some tofu and nuts. On day three I had half a papaya and salad and fish. On day four I had half a papaya, two ryvitas and boiled egg ...and salad and fish. I even sneaked two sips from my husband's coffee. And today day five - a double cappuccino and fruit and granola... somehow I just know it is too difficult for me. It separates me from my tribe - the people around me who are eating and drinking as they usually do. I guess to so this while still engaged in society one has to have discipline like steel. It feels like the only way I will be able to do this is to go away on a retreat and cleanse myself even of contact and 'normal' routines.
Life as usual - well not quite as usual ...I did have a wonderful spa day courtesy of my friend Maureen on Sunday. Lounge at the pool, swim laps, take a power walk along Poipu's coast, yoga class, face packs and hair masques and steam and jacuzzi. A perfectly relaxing day. I lay reading The Mythic Path - trying to identify which story I am living.
And talking of myths, we're watching, from Netflix, Joseph Campbell's Mythos Part two. I love how he extrapolates the universal message all cultures appear to have from the localised or regional manifestation of the story.
And the myth theme seems to be all round me. My Shift magazine speaks of a dominator myth and all our heroes and many statues being those of military significance. What new myth can unfold? How do we create peace and a harmony between seeming pairs of opposites? A new dance between the feminine and the masculine? Da Vinci speaks of Pi perfect balance?
Well enough from me ...we're off to join friends down at Poipu for drinks and pupus at sunset...
Power outages were the biggest challenge as Honolulu airport choked up. Bruce had gone across to Oahu to run a 30 km race and ended up having to stay the night in a room next to the elevator. When we spoke on cell phones, he said "It's crazy - no traffic lights, no restaurants open,not even water is available!"
The Big Island was hit the worst. Mudslides and building damages and a few people hurt - no fatalities thankfully.
And internally I experienced my own turmoil. I began the master cleanse on Friday. Maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Was it the toxins that created the headache and body aches, or was it my own crankiness when I denied myself my usual coffee, tea, cheese, wine and food!? I lasted two days - well nearly two days. On day two I had some tofu and nuts. On day three I had half a papaya and salad and fish. On day four I had half a papaya, two ryvitas and boiled egg ...and salad and fish. I even sneaked two sips from my husband's coffee. And today day five - a double cappuccino and fruit and granola... somehow I just know it is too difficult for me. It separates me from my tribe - the people around me who are eating and drinking as they usually do. I guess to so this while still engaged in society one has to have discipline like steel. It feels like the only way I will be able to do this is to go away on a retreat and cleanse myself even of contact and 'normal' routines.
Life as usual - well not quite as usual ...I did have a wonderful spa day courtesy of my friend Maureen on Sunday. Lounge at the pool, swim laps, take a power walk along Poipu's coast, yoga class, face packs and hair masques and steam and jacuzzi. A perfectly relaxing day. I lay reading The Mythic Path - trying to identify which story I am living.
And talking of myths, we're watching, from Netflix, Joseph Campbell's Mythos Part two. I love how he extrapolates the universal message all cultures appear to have from the localised or regional manifestation of the story.
And the myth theme seems to be all round me. My Shift magazine speaks of a dominator myth and all our heroes and many statues being those of military significance. What new myth can unfold? How do we create peace and a harmony between seeming pairs of opposites? A new dance between the feminine and the masculine? Da Vinci speaks of Pi perfect balance?
Well enough from me ...we're off to join friends down at Poipu for drinks and pupus at sunset...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Yesterday I’m in heaven and its rainbows and hopes and I’m like a purring cat. Today I’m not!
The day started well. Usual ritual of orange juice, tea, daily readings, coffee and papaya. My ‘day off’ and I meet a girlfriend for a walk on the east side. We comment on how lucky we are to enjoy this warm water, and soul nourishing sight of clear, turquoise ocean water as we walk. We stop and sit on a log and chat about the myths we are living. We swim in delicious, clear and enfolding warm water. We walk back to the parking lot, and this is where my day suddenly takes on a different quality.
A car that starts. Fires ups and then dies. The engine turns over but there’s no vooma to move. I try to rev it, she has no oomph and stalls. If I start, and take my foot off the gas she sort of idles. Dare I try to drive and she jerks and splutters and dies. I know this pattern. For the last two months this happens every two/three weeks - this is the fourth time I promise myself, “Enough!”
On most days she drives like a dream. Light on gas too. Only cost me $500, and another $300 to repair the fuel pump. So the benefits are clear. She doesn’t cost me much. She’s an island car that gets me to where I want to be. No frills. Her air conditioner is wind-down-the-window-style. She’s a red, 1989, Pontiac Le Mans.
Today when she did the splutter, hiccup, stall routine I felt frustrated. I fell straight into poor- me zone. Why did I have to put up with this piece of shit car?
“Well get a ‘real’ job, earn some ‘real’ money! For God’s sake stop whining and do something about this.”
Caught between paradigms. Between belief systems. My ‘old’ system says: “If you want it, you’ll have to make it happen.”
There goes that other voice - “Gratitude Sharon! You have a home. You live on Kauai. Your day has a relaxed rhythm, and you even get to enjoy a walk on the beach most days. Perspective. What will you have to sacrifice to get a new car?”
Maybe it's not a new car - just a different, more reliable car...
The day started well. Usual ritual of orange juice, tea, daily readings, coffee and papaya. My ‘day off’ and I meet a girlfriend for a walk on the east side. We comment on how lucky we are to enjoy this warm water, and soul nourishing sight of clear, turquoise ocean water as we walk. We stop and sit on a log and chat about the myths we are living. We swim in delicious, clear and enfolding warm water. We walk back to the parking lot, and this is where my day suddenly takes on a different quality.
A car that starts. Fires ups and then dies. The engine turns over but there’s no vooma to move. I try to rev it, she has no oomph and stalls. If I start, and take my foot off the gas she sort of idles. Dare I try to drive and she jerks and splutters and dies. I know this pattern. For the last two months this happens every two/three weeks - this is the fourth time I promise myself, “Enough!”
On most days she drives like a dream. Light on gas too. Only cost me $500, and another $300 to repair the fuel pump. So the benefits are clear. She doesn’t cost me much. She’s an island car that gets me to where I want to be. No frills. Her air conditioner is wind-down-the-window-style. She’s a red, 1989, Pontiac Le Mans.
Today when she did the splutter, hiccup, stall routine I felt frustrated. I fell straight into poor- me zone. Why did I have to put up with this piece of shit car?
“Well get a ‘real’ job, earn some ‘real’ money! For God’s sake stop whining and do something about this.”
Caught between paradigms. Between belief systems. My ‘old’ system says: “If you want it, you’ll have to make it happen.”
There goes that other voice - “Gratitude Sharon! You have a home. You live on Kauai. Your day has a relaxed rhythm, and you even get to enjoy a walk on the beach most days. Perspective. What will you have to sacrifice to get a new car?”
Maybe it's not a new car - just a different, more reliable car...
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
A day in Kalaheo
Kauai Womoon: Wednesday, October 11th 2006
A grey sky but streaks of pink show the sun is rising. We go in his silver GMC truck to the lot up on Puu Road. We are hoping to see a sign. As we drive I notice a shaft of an intense colored rainbow streaked with oblique rays of sunlight.
We agree that it is a sign of hope.
Down the steep concrete road to the property. He pulls right into the sugar cane, so I can sit on the tailgate.
Nick - our future neighbor? is working on the land to the east. We stop and talk with him. His girlfriend is originally from Rhodesia , but lived in Durban, after they left what is now known as Zimbabawe. He asks me if I can speak Afrikaans. Now that is not something I expected. After all we ‘re half way around the world, on an island in the Pacific. “It’s a sign” says Neil, “you’re home.”
We drive back to the Kalaheo coffee shop, meeting place for locals- Bagel Benny for Neil; veggie benny for moi - and coffees.
Driving home I make two calls - one to Edith checking whether we have a movie night tonight, and the other returning Mo’s call. This Kauai womoon has a wealth of friends - all haoles - ‘European’ imports.
Today is another day in my studio. Glorious time to read and write. Through the screens I see the shades of green and I know it’s true: I live on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific.
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